Dinwiddie for Mayor!

On April 9 Spring Hill, TN is electing a new mayor.  I’d love to claim an opened mind, and promise to carefully weigh issues and qualifications carefully before rendering a well-informed decision at the ballot box.  It isn’t true.  My mind was made up months ago—before I even knew who was running.

During one of those “under-employed periods” I was at home with the kids when the doorbell rang.  Fabulous, I thought to myself, another “I’m so poor and black—please buy these magazines so I can win a trip to Bermuda and never do drugs again” sales pitch.  (Yeah I know, all my neighbors generously ordered 17 magazines, and I’m a cheap racist bastard because I won’t buy magazines I don’t want and can’t afford.  I have considered asking if they have the special “Jungle Fever” edition of Hustler, but I haven’t done it yet.)

Instead of the dreaded sales pitch, or an invitation to yet another church, I was met by a real-life politician.  I don’t remember much about our chat.  But I do remember this:  it was a long conversation for one vote, and ended with him giving me a card with his email and web address, so I could sign up for his newsletter.  Oh yeah, he was our alderman—whatever that is.

Shock and awe.  In fact the effect was more powerful than anything Jerry Spring could dream up in his wildest, uncensored imagination.

Our current mayor is “retiring” at the end of his term in order to spend more time with his family.  (I actually believe him, it’s not just a euphemism for “I got caught with an intern.”)  This had lead to the current mayoral race which pits Michael Dinwiddie against Cindy “Lou Who” Jobe and Derrick “The Artist” Merrill.  I’m voting for Dinwiddie.

Derrick Merrill has some affiliation with the Spring Hill Arts Center.  I’m sorry, but I cringe, even at the word “artist”—it’s a full-bodied experience, very similar to the feeling I get when I hear words like “panties” and “feminine napkins”.  Artists have no business in an executive office.  Obviously.  Otherwise “business” would be called “artness” and “executives” would be called “artecutives”.

Creative types should stick to singing their little songs, doing their dances, play-acting, making pretty pictures, and taking yet another creative-writing class.  While they are getting in touch with their inner-children, the rest of us “grown-ups” are living in a practical adult world of personal responsibility, bills, and real-life children who need a new pair of shoes.  Maybe we can all agree:  I’m hopelessly prejudiced against creative-types.

Cindy Jobe is an entirely different story.  Of the three candidates she is the prettiest.  Even her campaign signs are prettier.  So what does she bring to the table?  She’s been president, or chairman, or something of the Spring Hill Chamber of Commerce.  She runs her own consulting firm and has advised hundreds of small cities.  I admit it’s impressive, but I’m not moved.

We don’t need yet another politician with contacts, credentials, and connections.  We need a mayor who regularly connects with individuals; a politician who gives a voice even to those not affiliated with a political action committee.  I don’t expect to see Cindy Jobe knocking on my door anytime soon—it wouldn’t be an efficient application of her Six Sigma principles toward her political throughput initiatives.  An individual might not fit into her “just in time” group-politicking approach.

You know, I think I’ve changed my mind.  Maybe I will go take that creative writing class.  (Of course it would be more convenient in a satellite community college located in Spring Hill.  Just like Dinwiddie is proposing.)